Coping with Holiday Grief
December 09, 2022
During the holidays, many people are dealing with loss and are often caught in a dilemma between the need to grieve and the pressure to get into the spirit of the season. All around you, the sounds, sights and smells trigger memories of the one you love who has died. Since love does not end with death, holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal loss unlike that experienced in the routine of daily living. Some of the most difficult aspects of the holidays to deal with are traditions. A death in the family may mean that a much loved tradition may lose some of its joy. It may even end.
However, the holidays do not necessarily have to be entirely sad. It’s okay to feel good! Give yourself permission to feel good, to laugh, and to even have fun. You don’t have to feel guilty when you find yourself enjoying an activity! Feeling good and laughing is your body’s way of letting you relax and regain some strength for a few moments during your grief. It is a normal and healthy reaction.
The following suggestions may help you better cope with your grief during this joyful, yet painful time of the year:
1. Plan ahead as to where and how you will spend your time during the holidays. Let yourself scale back on activities if you want to. Redefine your holiday expectations. This can be a transition year to begin new traditions and let others go.
2. Give yourself permission to express your feelings. If you feel an urge to cry, let the tears flow. Tears are healing. Scientists have found that certain brain chemicals in our tears are natural pain relievers.
3. Shakespeare once said, “Give sorrow words.” Write an un-sent letter to your loved one expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or her at this moment. After you compose the letter, you may decide to place it in a book, album or drawer in your home, leave it at a memorial site, throw it away, or even burn it and let the ashes rise symbolically.
4. When you are especially missing your loved one, call family members or dear friends and share your feelings. If they knew him or her, consider asking them to share some memories of times they shared with your loved one.
5. Memorialize your loved one in a way that is meaningful to you and that would have been special to your loved one. An activity the entire family can participate in can strengthen the bonds of togetherness and sharing. The following suggestions come from bereaved individuals who memorialized their loved one or started new traditions:
- Purchase a small evergreen tree from a nursery, decorate it and replant it after Christmas.
- Select a candle in your loved one’s favorite color and scent. Place it in a special area of your home and light it at a significant time throughout the holidays, signifying the light of the love that lives on in your heart.
- Have a special time when family shares Christmas memories of your loved one.
6. If you live within driving distance of the cemetery, decorate the memorial site with a holiday theme. This could include flowers, garlands, ribbons, bows, evergreen-branches, packages, pinecones or a miniature Christmas tree. Decorating the site yourself can be helpful in remembering and celebrating your loved one's life during the holidays, and may free you to cherish the present holiday with your remaining family.
7. Play music that is comforting and meaningful to you. Set aside some special time to listen to Christmas music that you and your loved one shared as special.
8. Give money you would have spent for gifts for your absent loved one to a charity in your family member's name. Consider donating money to your church or public library to buy a particular book. Have the book dedicated to your loved one's memory. Buy a present for a child who would not otherwise have a gift during the holiday season.
9. Be tolerant of your physical or psychological limits; feelings of loss may leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you.
10. Mention your loved one’s name in conversations. Share your favorite stories about your loved one with others. Sometimes others need permission to talk about the deceased. Let them know you would rather keep the memory of your loved one alive than pretend nothing has changed.
As you approach the holidays, remember, grief is both a necessity and a privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving love. Be patient with yourself. And allow yourself to be surrounded by loving, caring people.
Sources:
“Ten Ways to Cope with Holiday Grief” By L. B. Schultz, Carmel, Indiana. Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Magazine
“Grief and the Holidays” by Ralph L. Klicker, Ph. D. courtesy of Guideline Publications
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